Cheese Jesus

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Cheddar Cheesus preaching to the crackers

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Cheese Jesus of Milwaukee (most popularly known as Cheddar Jesus or Cheesus ) is a popular action figure sold by Pizza Hut. It is classed as a minor Jesii due to slightly undersatisfactory quantities of bejesus and, as such, can only perform seven minor miracles. However, that’s still seven more than pepperoni can muster.

 

editThe Seven Chesii

Proof that Jesus is a Green Bay Packers fan.

There were seven versions of the Cheesy Jesii, each able to perform its own miracle action. The versions are as follows:

  • Cheddar Cheesus – savioury original
  • Edam Adam (and Eve) – sinfully delicious
  • American Allah – exploding with flavor
  • Gouda Buddha – mellow and mild
  • Mozzarella Moses – pairs the red sauce
  • Pepper-Jack Judas – sliced and spicy
  • Savior Swiss – the holiest of cheesus

 

editIngredients

Pizza Hut refuses to give out the full ingredients of the Cheese Jesii, fearing that might bring on the Second Coming a bit earlier than expected, preventing them from releasing the new, improved Stuffed Cheesus Chrust™ next year. However, a slice of Cheddar Cheesus has been analysed by scientists with nothing better to do, and they have discovered that the principle ingredient of all Cheese Jesii is, in fact, cheese. This scientific revelation was so important that five of the six scientists working on this project were promoted into upper management a day after the release of these findings.

editSix Degrees of Cheesus

  1. Cheesism is not the religion that worships the God, Cheese Jesus. Crispianity is.
  2. When Cheesus was born, he was given different types of cheese from the 3 Blind Mice.
  3. They have made many movies about Cheesus, including The Cheesetrix, where the main character, Cheo, is The Cheesen One.
  4. Because he is very wealthy with fridges and fridges full of valuable Cheese, he can afford to drive around in his car called a Cherrari.
  5. One of Cheesus’ best friends, Choa, built an Ark because there was a flood of Mascapone, so he got 2 of every cheese and saved them
  6. Cheesus’ arch nemisis is The Chevil, who lives in a hole underground. If a Cherson was evil, they go to Chell.

Popular Cheesus Promotional Graphics:

editCheesus in Christianity

Cheesus was said to be the second person in the Divine Trinity, and also the Messiah (Greek: Chrust) prophesied in the Old Testament (or Hebrew Bible). Cheesus did not die on the cross – instead, he was impaled on a cocktail stick, onto which a pineapple was placed, as if to mock him. Cheesus was brought back to life in a mysterious incident involving a ball of Edam, a small wheel of Jarlsberg, and a spotty man from Scunthorpe called Gerald.

Other historians have been quick in their attempts to debunk this theory. For a start, the documents do not note what kind of cheese Cheesus was God of – nor do they explain why someone called Gerald from Scunthorpe was present at his resurrection. However, there is one thing that every historian is sure of – the new, improved Stuffed Cheesus Chrust™ is going to be out of this world! Get your Cheese Jesii from Pizza Hut, without delay!

PureCheese.gif
The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
Cheddar
Cheesus
Cream
Fromunda
Jarlsberg
*Not to be confused with “Holey” Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as “Negative Cheese” or “Dark Dematta”

editCheesus Crust

Cquote1.png Cheesus Crust is the delicous cheesy snack that Cheese Jesus ate at the Last Supper with his disciples. It’s so delicious that it saved me, and it can save you!Buy Cheesus Crust today! It won’t make you fat! Honest!* Cquote2.png

*Disclaimer – Cheesus Crust may actually make you fat.

 

Crusade For the Receipt of the Last Supper- Dan Brown

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Download 11thoushalleattoast.JPG (80.9 KB)

Ark of Covenant Time Machine Disguised as Toaster

A jaw dropping epic played across time space and credulity, will see audiences gasp as our hero the code breaking genius Robert Schlongdon and his sidekick Soapy Bubbles  are chased by  a flock of marauding genetically enhanced giant turkeys down the streets of Bethlehem who have somehow acquired chariots.

Robert Schlongton has been given a quest by a mysterious millionaire who believes that they know the whereabouts of the receipt of the Last Supper!

Did Cheesus eat cheese and a crusty French stick challenging the basic tenets of Christianity?

Following a series of codes in the paintings of Picasso, Schlongdon and his spunky side kick stumble across the legendary Ark of the Covenant which is actually a time machine cunningly disguised as a toaster foxing the wits of  seekers throughout the centuries!

A freak accident involving anti matter and time travel ensues resulting in thousands of mutant turkey carcasses being thrown into the past encoded within their DNA is the receipt for the Last Supper!

Thus the myth of the dinosaur is created, somehow.

The real story of the true relationship between Cheesus and his betrayer is revealed as Schlongdon hides behind a bush and witnesses everything!

Judas is Cheesus’s identical twin brother with special needs and is curiously from Barcelona!

In a heated exchange in the Garden of Gethsemane Chessus tries to unveil his plan for Judas to betray him in an act of Self Fulfilling Prophecy!

Judas doesn’t get it and is arrested while Cheesus delivers his “Take this Cup Away From Me” soliloquy.

In a shock horror ending Schlongdon explains to Soapy and the French authorities that the wrong brother was crucified and Cheesus lives to go back packing in India and invent Hippies and arguably Buddism.

In an alternative ending derived from the Gnostic Gospel of Thomas, Cheesus is the Wrong Messiah, who can do only evil which Judas has to right, referencing  the lost Picasso master piece, “The Blinded Girl Risen from the Dead with the Giraffe Face Made of Fishes.” which sold recently for pounds at auction.

Dan Brown – ‘Crusade For the receipt of the last supper’;

 

What the critics say;

 

‘Exposing the truth of the New Testament, Brown has done it again…’ – The Times,

‘The chariot chase through the streets of Bethlehem had me gripping the edge of my seat…..’ – Graham Norton,

‘Who would have thought, Turkey Twizzlers and no tip for the staff’ – Jamie Oliver,

‘Loaf thy neighbour….why didn’t we see the spelling mistake?’ – Davina McCall.

Happy Eostre

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Greetings Cheesen people! The holidays were upon us and now they’re over already; we celebrate the plagues of Egypt send by G-d passing our people over-what do they celebrate? Bupkiss!

Alright, they celebrate a miracle, a Jew coming back from the dead already-now if that should happen we’d pray with them but they mark this how? Chocolate eggs and rabbits-what’s that all about?

They don’t know but I’ll tell you; the here was a pagan goddess of fertility called Eostre like oestrogen whose festival was celebrated in April when nature came alive again  and as for the rabbits what are you mershugga?

Eggs is eggs-unless they’re fertilised then they’re something else-the Catholics have a slightly different opinion of when life begins but we’ll leave them to their sins of emissions.

As for the chocolate some women rate it better than sex-who knew? Ask  Rebbetzin Cheeseburger.

But what is surprising to us is that they celebrate the death rather than the resurrection; they wear a crucifix showing a dying man-and neat too, not nailed to a tree through the wrists an ankles dying of suffocation-not the risen messiah.

Mythology is full of dead G-ds-they have to die by other agency not natural causes or they’re no good as a G-d-it’s defeating death that’s important and Jesus does it twice- first Lazerous then himself and if you read Revelations he’s coming back to defeat the Pale Rider himself.

Rabbi Cheesburger

 

 

 

We’re Not Loving It

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JEWS HAVE A ‘BEEF’

BURGER SACRI-LICIOUS

By ANGELA MONTEFINISE

Last Updated: 3:19 AM, March 2, 2008

Posted: 3:19 AM, March 2, 2008

It’s a cheeseburger for the chosen people.

But it’s leaving some kosher customers quite verklempt.

Popular Upper East Side restaurant Talia’s Steakhouse recently began cooking up what is believed to be the city’s first kosher cheeseburger – a real-beef patty topped with tofu cheese in American or mozzarella flavor.

The formerly forbidden food is now being served as a “Kosher Parve Cheeseburger” at the popular glatt kosher eatery, which does not serve meat and dairy together, in accordance with Jewish law.

While many are excited to give the taboo take-out a taste, others are kvetching that the burger is bad news.

“I would never entertain the thought of eating cheese – real or fake – with meat,” comedian Jackie Mason, who keeps kosher, told The Post. “It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.”

Trying to skirt tradition is what irks others, also.

“Jewish law is very concerned for appearances,” said Rabbi Basil Herring, the executive vice president of the Rabbinical Council of America. “Not only should you always do the right thing, but it should be seen as the right thing.

“Any Jew who keeps kosher knows a cheeseburger is not permissible. But . . . what happens if a young kid, a 10-year-old, goes in there and says, hmm, maybe cheese on a burger is OK?”

The sacrilicious sandwich – priced at $5.50 for a single, $8.50 for a double – has even sparked a heated debate on several Jewish-themed Web sites.

One Jewish blogger sneered, “I think the idea of it is atrocious . . . You could find a way to kosherize everything, but if it wasn’t created kosher, leave it alone. You managed without it for the past 5,768 years. Don’t start now.”

Talia’s owner, Ephraim Nagar, who says he’s been selling at least 20 a night since introducing it last November, said he loves the debate because, “intellectually, we need to know what’s the answer.”

He said curious Orthodox Jews and non-Jews with allergies to cheese have become regulars, as well as a large population of former secular Jews who used to chomp on cheeseburgers before becoming Orthodox.

“It’s become a bit of a phenomenon,” he said.

angela.montefinise@nypost.com

Read more: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/regional/item_WQwzyrFJ5zVjY8yNATc4tN#ixzz1pyaP0Sm7

Bowland Lancashire Cheese

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Bowland

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A unique cheese made with traditional creamy Lancashire, Raisins, Apples and coated in cinnamon A great alternative dessert (perhaps with a glass of tawny port?), or to eat just on its own.

If you have a sweet tooth this is the one for you!

Made with cows milk, vegetarian and pasteurised

 

Price: £3.40
Quantity: 
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Albert Camus Seven Way Cheese Platter

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The Capital’s Best Restaurant

L’Etranger was named as The Good Food Guide readers’ favourite restaurant in London 2009. This was the first year l’Etranger has won the regional title, after appearing in The Good Food Guide.The Wine Spectator just released their ratings for this years Wine Lists putting us as the second best listing in London!

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Desserts

 


Chocolate Fondant with green Tea Ice Cream £8.50

Exotic Fruit Salad with Lemongrass Creme £8.50

Apple Tart Tatin with Vanilla Ice Cream (15 minutes) £10.50

Passion Fruit Soufflé set on Blackcurrant Jelly (20 minutes) £9.50

Banoffee Pie with Poached Kumkat Compote & Toffee Sauce £8.50

 

Wild Strawberry, Pistachio & Kalamansi with a Strawberry Coulis Basket N* £7.50

 

Earl Grey & Dark Chocolate Crème Brûlée with White Chocolate Ice Cream £7.50 N*

__ 

Death by Chocolate Platter

Selection of 8 Chocolate Desserts to Share N* (15 Minutes) £24.50

Araguani Chocolate Fondant, Exotic Fruits & Chocolate Soup,
Almond & Chocolate Pocky, Pot au Chocolat,
Bitter Chocolate Ice Cream, Opera, Praline Parfait,
Black Truffle & Dark Chocolate Mousse

Sommelier’s Recommendation: 3 Glasses £15.00 – 6 Glasses £25.00


L’etranger Seven Way Cheese Platter (15 Minutes) £24.50

Truffle Infused Camembert Nigiri, Mature Stilton Pannacotta,
Epoisse Fondue with Cloves & Croutons, Gorgonzola Ice Cream,
Dolcelatte Éclair, Smoked Crispy Blue Cheese & Chocolate Cigar,
Goat Cheese Caramelised Onion Tart with Balsamic Vinegar


Les Fromages

Selection of Cheeses from Our Trolley £12.50


Being and Nothingness; The Philosopher’s Cook Book

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[Picture of Sartre] Sartre, after having just sampled his “tuna cassarole.”

The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

by Marty Smith.
From The Free Agent, March 1987 (a Portland, Oregon alternative newspaper).

 


 

We have recently been lucky enough to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Aparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write “a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.” The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3

Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4

Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

October 6

I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of a cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

October 7

Today I agian modified my omelet recipe. While my previous attempts had expressed my own bitterness, they communicated only illness to the eater. In an attempt to reach the bourgeoisie, I taped two fried eggs over my eyes and walked the streets of Paris for an hour. I ran into Camus at the Select. He called me a “pathetic dork” and told me to “go home and wash my face.” Angered, I poured a bowl of bouillabaisse into his lap. He became enraged, and, seizing a straw wrapped in paper, tore off one end of the wrapper and blew through the straw. propelleing the wrapper into my eye. “Ow! You dick!” I cried. I leaped up, cursing and holding my eye, and fled.

October 10

I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:

Tuna Casserole

Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish

Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.

While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.

October 12

My eye has become inflamed. I hate Camus.

October 25

I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

November 15

I feel that I may be very close to a great breakthrough. I had been creating meal after meal, but none seemed to express the futility of existence any better than would ordering a pizza. I left the house this morning in a most depressed state, and wandered aimlessly through the streets. Suddenly, it was aif the heavens had opened. My brain was electrified with an influx of new ideas. “Juice, toast, milk..” I muttered aloud. I realized with a start that I was one ingredient away from creating the nutritious breakfast. Loathsome, true, but filled with existential authenticity. I rushed home to begin work anew.

November 18

Today I tried yet another variation: Juice, toast, milk and Chee-tos. Again, a dismal failure. I have tried everything. Juice, toast, milk and whiskey, juice, toast, milk and chicken fat, juice, toast, milk and someone else’s spit. Nothing helps. I am in agony. Juice, toast, milk, they race about my fevered brain like fire, like an unholy trinity of cruel denial. And the fourth ingredient! What could it be? It eludes me like the lost chord, the Holy Grail. I must see the completion of my task, but I have no more money to spend on food. Perhaps man is not meant to know.

November 21

Camus came into the restaurant today. He did not know I was in the kitchen, and before I sent out his meal I loogied in his soup. Sic semper tyrannis.

November 23

Ran into some opposition at the restaurant. Some of the patrons complained that my breakfast special (a page out of Remembrance of Things Past and a blowtorch with which to set it on fire) did not satisfy their hunger. As if their hunger was of any consequence! “But we’re starving,” they say. So what? They’re going to die eventually anyway. They make me want to puke. I have quit the job. It is stupid for Jean- Paul Sartre to sling hash. I have enough money to continue my work for a little while.

November 24

Last night I had a dream. In it, I am standing, alone, on a beach. A great storm is raging all about me. It begins to rain. Night falls. I am struck by how small and insignificant I am, how the entire race of Man is but a speck in the eye of God, and I am but a speck of humanity. Suddenly, a red Cadillac convertible pulls up beside me, In it are these two beautiful girls named Jojo and Wendy. I get in and the take me to their mansion in Hollywood and give me a pound of cocaine and make mad, passionate love to me for the rest of my life.

November 26

Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word “cake.” I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30

Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver’s powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America’s favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.

December 1

I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

_____

Sartre died in Paris in 1981. [Note from Spade: He did not. He died on April 15, 1980.] His last word is reputed to have been, simply, “Trix.”

 


 

Converted to HTML by Mahiuddin (“Champak”) Laskar, mlaska@unf.edu

For a Belorussian translation of this “cookbook,” click here. Courtesy of Uta Bayer.
Return to my Jean-Paul Sartre Page.